A poem that I have written. Please don't ask what inspired it, you won't get an answer. Just tell me if it's TOO confusing. I'm thinking of making a story with the people in this poem though, because they've been dancing around in my head for a while. For anyone who catches this before tomorrow's meeting, please critique!
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Perfect contrast, perfect pair
One with brown, one with blonde hair.
They’ve always been the best of friends,
Always side by side, ‘til the end.
One’s the Earth, one’s the air,
Perfect contrast, perfect pair.
One needed saving, one’s the savior,
One takes away the horrors of a war.
One of dark chocolate, one of white,
Both so sweet, but only one in the light.
Like the most beautiful nightmare,
Perfect contrast, perfect pair.
4 comments:
On the whole, I think it works well. I don't think it's too confusing; it really comes across as the contrasting personalities/positions in life I think you were going for.
My pronunciation of "savior" has more of the "ehr" sound on the end, but that might be just me.
I might remove the "in the" after the chocolate reference, but it might change the meaning you were going for.
I love the "beautiful nightmare" phrase.
(Yes, it's 1:24 in the morning. And to answer the other obvious question, yes, I do.)
Do you sleep, Matthew? :p
I thought the "savior" and "war" rhyme was a little iffy, too...I might try to change that. And the metaphor about the chocolate goes, both of them are sweet, as in they'e both beautiful people, but only one of them dwells in the light, while the other lives in dark. Does that seem right?
Not to be uh..."lacking in modesty" (is it un-modest or dis- modest?) but I like the beautiful nightmare part, too. Probably because it makes the relationship between the two so...clear, I guess? It just matches the idea I was trying to get across really well.
It's 'immodest'. Just to clarify.
Copyright infringement! Copyright infringement, I say!
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